Last week's first installment of a dad's perspective from Jon kicked off three different point of views from dads that I know. This week's guest author is someone I've been very close with for over 20 years...ever since he married my mom. 

Les fell in love with and married a woman who had 2 teenage daughters (I was 16, my sister was about to turn 13). Considering this was after 36 years of a childless, bachelor life, he basically jumped into the deep end of the pool with little experience swimming. 

He seriously must have fallen crazy in love to do that, right?!

Regardless, when thinking about this series I thought he may have an interesting perspective. And I wasn't wrong. 

Week Two of a Father's Perspective: Mr. Les Nyberg 

(stepfather of two--16 and 12 at the time of marriage, 1994)

"Fatherhood without a Genetic Connection"

As we celebrate fatherhood with the yearly occurrence of Father’s Day it’s worth a quick review as to what constitutes the designation of “father” or “dad."

There are genetics – the male sires a new generation. This is a biological designation and not always a title that is lived up to.

There's adoption – seeking out the opportunity to love and nurture an unattached child. These fathers are worthy of the designation.

Then there's "acquiring” – accepting children of another. Usually this takes place when a couple decides to marry and one or both already have children.

It’s this last category in which I fall and that I’ll touch upon.

It’s a lot easier when the children are young (say under 5 years of age) as their memories aren’t as strong and they can more easily bond with a new father figure. However, when you marry into a family with two teenage daughters you’re looking for trouble (lol). That was my experience. 

I met and fell in love with a wonderful woman who had one teenage daughter and one on the brink. Their father had died of a heart attack so was no longer in the picture but they had strong memories and connections with their late dad. I knew stepping into such a situation that I would never be seen as a replacement for their dad. I would likely never hear the word “dad” or “father” addressed to me and that’s fine– first name is ok. You can’t force kids to accept you in a role which isn’t comfortable for them to embrace. Sure, you’ll be there for them, drive them places, root for them at their sporting events and organized activities and fill the role of an active “father." And if you’re lucky, you’ll be accepted in that role.

Some additional thoughts I had at the prospect of joining an existing family:

Territory

We decided to find a new place to live. Moving into their home would have taken a long time to feel comfortable and could be seen by the kids as invading their territory. I felt that I'd be walking on eggshells about disrupting the existing "flow" of life in the home. Furthermore, having them move in with me had the potential to cause ill feeling about lost friends, new school, being forced to change while I stayed the same, etc. 

The same week we married, we closed on a new home which was close to their old home, had a bedroom for each of the girls AND (most important) a bathroom for each. Everyone was on the same footing as far as daily routines and the need for change (it was new for all of us). There were other advantages for the girls to moving so it was quickly embraced.

Child-Rearing Decisions

I stated from the beginning to my spouse that I was going to leave the decisions on child-rearing to her. I would provide my input in private, but would always leave it to her to determine the direction things would go. If you step in and try to impose “alien” ideas and ways of upbringing it could result in tension with the spouse AND cause the kids to rebel. Both situations aren’t conducive to a stable household.

All that happened more than 20 years ago. Life moves on. Everyone grows comfortable in their roles. The kids grow up and move out and then you arrive at the next stage – GRANDparenthood. If you’ve done everything right and the relationship is solid with the kids, then you’ll be there to fill the role of “grandpa” and there won’t be any hesitation on whether you deserve the title – it’s just the way it is supposed to be.

Life is good.

*****

And a wonderful grandpa he is. My kids adore him and it has been so fun seeing him embrace this role and get more and more comfortable in it. Having the kids out of diapers (finally!) has helped as diaper-changing was never really his thing. But, seriously, does anyone like changing diapers?

I'm so lucky that Les didn't run for the hills when he heard about the extra luggage (because I refuse to call my sister and I baggage; luggage seems...fancier) my mom came with. The fact that he not only stuck around but embraced us makes him a pretty special dad. With or with out the "step" included.

xo Sara

{P.S. Here's week one of this series--Jon shared his thoughts on why the little moments mean more to him than the typically celebrated big events that happen. ALSO, be sure to come back next week, my partner in this whole parenthood thing is taking over the blog!}