It’s fine. I’m fine. We’re fine. Everyone is fine.

Whenever I use what Marc lovingly calls my “f” word he knows that things are not, in fact, “fine.”

In just over 3 months my firstborn will enter the halls of a new world: middle school.

I’m not worried about E. She is smart, kind, thoughtful, resilient. It’s more of a “how did we get here'“ moment for me.

Didn’t we just bring E home from the hospital on a hot and humid day, not unlike our current weather? Didn’t she just take her first steps? Didn’t we just drop her off at kindergarten for her first day? How did we go from that all just happening to her being on the doorstep to a new segment of her life?

“The days are long but the years are short,” someone once said to me when I had two infants. And someone else said, “just wait until the school years start, time really starts flying then.” And both statements are so true. On our wedding day, a friend gave me the advice of making sure I take a moment during the day and stop, look around, and appreciate it all. Take a mental picture of all that is happening—see it, celebrate it, remember it.

That is what I am trying to do with you, E.

I see you as you are right now. You’re in this in-between world, a place where you want to be treated older than your years say you are and sometimes feel younger than your age, too. A place where you have strong opinions on things and don’t understand why others don’t just “get with it” and agree with your OBVIOUSLY right point of view. A place where you think that I don’t understand while also wanting to tell me everything. A place where it feels like so much is about to happen and you just want time to hurry up so it all starts.

I’ll tell you the same thing that was once told to me. Don’t be in such a rush for the future that you forget to enjoy the present. Live in the moment, enjoy your friends and family and what is happening now. Everything you want is coming…I promise. And I’ll be here with you every step of the way. In those times where you think I know nothing (super rare, but it will happen) and those other times where you think I’m the smartest person in the world (I promise, that will happen, too—someday).

So with all these thoughts about the future swimming around in your head, let’s pause and look back at your year of 10.

Real talk.

Watching Amazing Race and one person says her greatest fear is skydiving to which E says, “That’s nothing. My biggest fear is not being able to control things happening.” 

and

“I’m somewhere between an expert and a beginner roller skater now.”

(After returning home from roller skating for the second time in her life.)

and

“The girls that sing “Santa Baby” are really talented at making their voices sound like spoiled little girls.”

Asking the hard questions.

“What’s a meat raffle?”

10-year-old mood.

E wants yogurt. The dishwasher is running. There are no spoons.

Me: Just use a fork.

THE LOOK.

Me: Ok, get a spoon out of the dishwasher & wash it.

THE EXTRA LOOK.

She walks away. 5 minutes later E says: The fork actually worked.

THE MOM LOOK I GAVE HER.

and

“Something about me.... this ravioli is ok but I prefer the other stuff. I’ll still eat this and it’s FINE but I like the other stuff better. “

TRANSLATED: This is disgusting and I will force myself to finish while gagging the entire time. Don’t ever get it again. Next time I won’t ask so nicely. 

and

E: I wish I had a TV in my room. 

Me: Nope, not gonna happen. 

E, with eye rolls: Ugh I know MOM

Me: I didn’t have a TV in my room growing up, you know. 

E, with more eye rolls: I know because TVs weren’t invented yet. 

and

Reading a fortune cookie: “You are talented in many ways.”

E: Yes, I know. So where’s my fortune?

A Few Pandemic Activities

Puzzles, weaving, reading, writing, singing, and art.

and

Making videos! Some video assignments for school that she had a little fun with.

and

Making a scavenger hunt for B that included rhyming clues!

Funny moments.

Talking about how talkative the birds are one morning. 

“Well they are catching up! ‘Hey, John, how are the wife & kids? Where are you returning from? Have a good trip?’”

and

Her Halloween costume…a dog, for her new dog. Named Eluna, combining Elena and Luna.

and

Upon getting new clothes… “When we get home it’s a try-on-athon!”

and

Talking about brushing and gums and E says it’s not super comfortable around the spot where the guns connect with lips. I explain that you don’t have to go that high (as I try not to laugh), and that it’s most important around where the gums & teeth meet. 

E: Well that’s good to know! Helpful information!

and

Each year the kids put on a Christmas show for us. Typically filled with comedy, songs, and stories. This year, prior to them starting, she recorded a message that she put on a loop and had it sounding through our speakers as we prepared for the show to start.

Sweet moments.

“I’m sorry if we made it hard to be a mom tonight.”

and

First time with her new puppy…versus last weekend.

A 10-year-old said that?

E talking about the confederate flag, Lincoln “freeing” slaves (her air quotes), & BLM in which she used the word “scoffed”…which left me in awe of her observations, connections, and general understanding of current events…and of her vocabulary.

and

“Why can’t I express anger without you being angry at me?”

Finally, the moment I don’t know how I didn’t cry:

After E came to me with some growing up questions, I told her how proud I was that she had those questions and talked to me about them.

She then got teary and said, “I want to talk to you about everything!”

Please don’t forget that once upon a time you WANTED to talk to me about everything. I’m hanging on to that for as long as I can. Happy birthday, sweet daughter. I’m so proud of you and while I can’t wait to see who you become, I adore and am grateful for each moment with you AS YOU ARE.